A Tale Of Chin Wombats And Men In Tights
by Bellini Girl
Summary: A parody of the newly released film Ned Kelly! A heroic tale of chin-wombat-beards and men in tights! Enjoy!
1. Horse thieving, drinking, wombat stew

YOUNG NED KELLY: Hi, I'm Young Ned Kelly. I'm going to dive down into the water to rescue some drowning kid.  
  
DROWNING KID: My sole purpose in this film is to show that Ned Kelly is actually a good guy and to play up the whole 'tragic hero' thing. Glub.  
  
Fast forward inexplicably to 15 years later in the Australian bush  
  
NED KELLY: Hi, I'm Ned Kelly. I spend the entire film chewing my tongue with a wombat stuck to my chin. For some reason I've spent the night outdoors with three of my guy mates. Hey, look, a white horse wearing black leather reins! How saintly and gallant!  
  
HORSE: Talk about foreshadowing. I'm Shadowfax from LOTR. By the way. But don't tell anyone.  
  
JOE BYRNE: Hey, I think I know that horse!  
  
HORSE: No you don't.  
  
JOE BYRNE: Yeah, I'm sure I do. You remember the time I wore the blonde wig, right?  
  
NED KELLY: No. Thankfully.  
  
NED KELLY: I know, I'll abandon my sleeping mates and ride off on this unexplained white horse to find a pretty girl!  
  
10 minutes later  
  
PRETTY GIRL: So...where's your friend Joe?  
  
NED KELLY: Back in the bush somewhere. Why do you ask?  
  
PRETTY GIRL: You aren't going to be meeting him anytime soon are you?  
  
NED KELLY: No.  
  
PRETTY GIRL: Oh damn. Well, pass on my phone number.  
  
NED KELLY: Why do they always say that?  
  
POLICEMAN FITZPATRICK: Nice horse.  
  
NED KELLY: Thanks.  
  
POLICEMAN FITZPATRICK: Looks just like one the postmaster lost.  
  
PRETTY GIRL: Tell Joe to call me. (Hops down off horse and legs it)  
  
NED KELLY: Hey! Come back!  
  
POLICEMAN FITZPATRICK: I hereby arrest you for stealing the postmaster's horse, despite the fact that I have no proof whatsoever. (Pulls out gun)  
  
HORSE: I don't like the look of this! (Gallops off into the distance)  
  
NED KELLY: Hey! Come back! Oh, I hope this isn't meant to be symbolic.  
  
POLICEMAN FITZPATRICK: Nope. (Fires gun) That's for trying to bring symbolism into the plot too early!  
  
NED KELLY: I'm sorry.  
  
POLICEMAN FITZPATRICK: Really?  
  
NED KELLY: Yeah, but I'm still going to beat you up.  
  
POLICEMAN FITZPATRICK: Oh damn. Help me! Even though I still have my gun I'm not going to use it!  
  
Policemen come running and drag him off. Fast-forward to three years later, when Ned Kelly is being released from prison and his brother Dan, Steve Hart and Joe Byrne are waiting for him.  
  
NED KELLY: Don't I look gorgeous and intense with my newly cropped hair?  
  
JOE BYRNE: Hi, I'm Joe Byrne. I spend the entire film looking mournfully beautiful and deep, and take my shirt off as often as I can. Watch me flex my muscles!  
  
STEVE HART: Hi, I'm Steve Hart. I don't really have any lines-I'm just the fourth guy who backs up all the others. I used to be the prettiest until Joe joined the gang.  
  
DAN KELLY: Hi, I'm Dan Kelly. My brother Ned permanently overshadows me.  
  
NED KELLY: Why the hell haven't you brought a carriage, you silly berks?  
  
DAN KELLY: We did, but Joe exchanged it for a new coat.  
  
NED KELLY: Why?  
  
JOE BYRNE: Just look at how the brown brings out the soulful darkness of my eyes!  
  
NED KELLY: (rolls eyes) I guess we're walking, then.  
  
STEVE HART: Eww.....look at the state of my trousers!  
  
JOE BYRNE: Eurgh...dirt!  
  
DAN KELLY: Hey, a carriage! (Waves obviously) Stop!  
  
The carriage stops and Joe Byrne peers in.  
  
JOE BYRNE: Hey, can we have a lift...hey, Lizzy.  
  
LIZZY: (Leans out of carriage and slaps him) You can't just not call me and then demand a lift as if nothing had happened! Git! (Pulls back in and the carriage heads off at speed)  
  
NED KELLY: Oh well done, Joe.  
  
JOE BYRNE: What?  
  
Another carriage appears and drives past  
  
DAN KELLY: Hey, that's a friend of mine! Hey, stop! (Runs after the carriage, which comes to a halt as he pleads his case)  
  
NED KELLY: Reckon we'll get a lift?  
  
JOE BYRNE: I doubt it.  
  
NED KELLY: Yeah, who'd share their daughter with you?  
  
JOE BYRNE: Again.  
  
Girl in carriage winks at Joe, who winks back  
  
NED KELLY: What? For goodness' sake Joe, can't you just keep a lid on it for five minutes?  
  
JOE BYRNE: If you knew me, like, at all, you would so not ask that question.  
  
DAN KELLY: Hey, they say we can ride with them!  
  
JOE BYRNE: Hey. Reckon I'm in there!  
  
He winks ostentatiously at Ned before hopping on the back of the carriage. Ned follows him. Fast-forward to Ned's house where everyone is very excited to see him.  
  
KATE KELLY: Hi, I'm Ned's sister. Check out my alliterative name!  
  
MA KELLY: Hi. I cook, and provide the motive.  
  
DAN KELLY: What's for tea, mum?  
  
MA KELLY: Wombat stew.  
  
JOE BYRNE:  
  
DAN KELLY:  
  
STEVE HART:  
  
NED KELLY:  
  
JOE BYRNE: That's really gross!  
  
MA KELLY: Stop moaning, boy, there's nothing else! Ned, come and feed the baby! It'll add to your whole 'tragic hero' image.  
  
NED KELLY: Yes ma.  
  
JOE BYRNE: (to Kate) How you doin'?  
  
NED KELLY: Joe! Keep a lid on it for five minutes, would you?  
  
JOE BYRNE: Oh man! (Fidgets constantly, shuffling in his seat and fussing. 30 seconds later...) I can't take this any more! I'm going for a walk! (Stomps out, slamming the door behind him)  
  
KATE KELLY: Do you think he'll be all right?  
  
NED KELLY: Sure he will. He'll just go and find Kitty Alexander two doors down, then he'll come back right as rain.  
  
MA KELLY: Stew's up!  
  
NED KELLY: On second thoughts, I think I'd better go and check on him. (Dumps the baby unceremoniously on the table and heads for the door)  
  
DAN KELLY: I'll go with you!  
  
STEVE HART: Wait up!  
  
They all fight to be the first out of the door  
  
MA KELLY: Sit down, boys!  
  
They reluctantly sit down around the table and look unenthusiastically at the bubbling stew.  
  
STEVE HART: Why is it green?  
  
NED KELLY: It is? Ewww...........  
  
MA KELLY: Would you like to say grace, Ned?  
  
NED KELLY: No!  
  
MA KELLY: Just do it, will you? It'll help with your saintly hero image.  
  
NED KELLY: Erm......thanks for this....err.....feast.....and I think we can all say that we hope that it tastes far better than it looks.....or smells.....or sounds......ewwww.......errrm, Amen.  
  
Dan reaches across the table and accidentally-on-purpose knocks the stew over so that it pours onto the floor.  
  
DAN KELLY: Oh, no, look what I did...... (sniggers)  
  
NED KELLY: Phew.  
  
MA KELLY: Luckily I have a backup plan.  
  
NED KELLY: What?  
  
MA KELLY: Fried wombat tail.  
  
NED KELLY:  
  
STEVE HART:  
  
DAN KELLY:  
  
KATE KELLY:  
  
TO BE CONTINUED........... 


	2. More horse thieving, more drinking and J...

NED KELLY: Stupid weeds! Oh, sting me, would you?  
  
BLONDE RICH GIRL: (Smile)  
  
NED KELLY: Hey, she's pretty hot!  
  
NED KELLY'S BRAIN: Mental note: do not alert Joe to presence of pretty girl at work.  
  
In the bar in some nearby town  
  
JOE BYRNE (To Pretty Girl) So then I said, 'Ned, maybe you shouldn't steal that horse,' but you know him, he went and did it anyway. Completely ignored me. So you see, I'm really the victim in all this.  
  
PRETTY GIRL: Oh, poor Joe.  
  
JOE BYRNE: Yeah...poor old me...want to go upstairs and make out?  
  
PRETTY GIRL: OK!  
  
DAN KELLY: Not that he was trying to play on your sympathy or anything.  
  
JOE BYRNE: Quiet, you!  
  
CHINESE GUY: Careful Joe. Remember, my dad always said...  
  
DAN KELLY: Oh, here we go.  
  
CHINESE GUY: He always said 'A man who has more than one true love in his life is no better than a mangy dog or a loose woman.'  
  
JOE BYRNE: You know, you really do talk a whole lot of crap, mate. (Heads upstairs with the girl)  
  
DAN KELLY: Just ignore him. He's still worked up from last night.  
  
CHINESE GUY: What happened last night?  
  
DAN KELLY: Ned wouldn't let him flirt with Kate, and then Kitty Alexander wasn't home.  
  
CHINESE GUY: Oh. That's bad.  
  
DAN KELLY: Tell me about it.  
  
NED KELLY: Evening, all. Where's Kate?  
  
DAN KELLY: Gone to get a drink.  
  
NED KELLY: Oh. (Goes to find her)  
  
POLICEMAN FITZPATRICK: (To Kate) So, how's about I buy you a drink?  
  
KATE KELLY: No thanks.  
  
POLICEMAN FITZPATRICK: Why?  
  
KATE KELLY: First of all, you're ugly, and second of all, I don't think my brother Ned would be too happy.  
  
POLICEMAN FITZPATRICK: He's not even here! I don't see why you have to follow the rules of a foul-mouthed, bad-breathed, thick-headed thug-  
  
NED KELLY: Hello.  
  
POLICEMAN FITZPATRICK: -who is also an upstanding citizen, known for bravery, intelligence, good looks......Oh, err, Ned, I didn't see you there! We were just, erm, talking about you. I think I'd better get going!  
  
KATE KELLY: Goodbye.  
  
JOE BYRNE: (Straightening clothes with a big grin on his face) How you doin'?  
  
NED KELLY: Joe! We've talked about this!  
  
JOE BYRNE: Can't blame a guy for trying. (Winks at Kate)  
  
NED KELLY: JOE!  
  
JOE BYRNE: All right, all right, I'll stop. (To passing barmaid) Hi. How you doin'?  
  
BARMAID: (Giggles) Hi Joe.  
  
JOE BYRNE: Have I told you the horse story?  
  
BARMAID: No.  
  
JOE BYRNE: Well, I said 'Ned, maybe you shouldn't steal that horse,' but you know him, he went and did it anyway. Completely ignored me. So you see, I'm really the victim in all this.  
  
NED KELLY: Huh? What?  
  
BARMAID: Oh, poor Joe.  
  
JOE BYRNE: So......you want to go upstairs and make out?  
  
BARMAID: OK! (Heads off upstairs with Joe)  
  
NED KELLY: I don't know how he does it! Any girl just turns to jelly at the sight of him! How can I get girls like he does?  
  
KATE KELLY: You could try shaving off the beard for a start.  
  
Back at the Kelly house  
  
DAN KELLY: Ned, they've nicked our horses!  
  
NED KELLY: No problemo.  
  
JOE BYRNE: Why?  
  
NED KELLY: 'Cause I've nicked theirs!  
  
DAN KELLY: Hey. Good one.  
  
At the Rich Blonde Woman's house  
  
RICH BLONDE WOMAN'S HUSBAND: Hi. My role in this scene is to show that I am a complete and utter scoundrel, so that you don't blame Ned for sleeping with my wife.  
  
HORSE-TAMING GUY: Calm down, ugly horse!  
  
HORSE: Ugly? I'm not having that! (Hurls off rider)  
  
HORSE-TAMING GUY: Ouch!  
  
RICH BLONDE WOMAN'S HUSBAND: Oh, not again. Get my rifle!  
  
RICH BLONDE WOMAN: You can't shoot the horse because it's wild!  
  
RICH BLONDE WOMAN'S HUSBAND: Actually, I was going to shoot the horse- tamer. But perhaps it would be more sensible to shoot the horse.  
  
HORSE: I don't like the sound of that.  
  
NED KELLY'S BRAIN: Hey, finally, a chance to impress her!  
  
NED KELLY: I could tame it for you!  
  
RICH BLONDE WOMAN'S HUSBAND: Nah. (Shoots horse)  
  
HORSE: Oh damn.  
  
Later, in the stable  
  
NED KELLY: Ow! Stupid saddle, fall on me would you-  
  
RICH BLONDE WOMAN: Hello. Have you seen my riding jacket?  
  
NED KELLY: (Kicking jacket under pile of straw) Err...no.  
  
RICH BLONDE WOMAN: I'm sure I left it down here.  
  
NED KELLY: Sorry. However, I can offer you a kiss.  
  
RICH BLONDE WOMAN: Well...I was going to ask you for your friend Joe's number, but...I guess you'll do. (Jumps on him)  
  
Meanwhile at the Kelly house  
  
POLICEMAN FITZPATRICK: Hi, is Kate around?  
  
DAN KELLY: No.  
  
JOE BYRNE: Sod off, mate. You're wasting valuable flirting time.  
  
POLICEMAN FITZPATRICK: Well, I could just go away and tell everyone your secret, Joe, I suppose-  
  
JOE BYRNE: On second thoughts, would you like a brandy?  
  
DAN KELLY: What secret?  
  
JOE BYRNE: Nothing important.  
  
POLICEMAN FITZPATRICK: Kate, would you like to go out with me sometime?  
  
KATE KELLY: No.  
  
JOE BYRNE: Can't say fairer than that. (To Kate) How you doin'?  
  
POLICEMAN FITZPATRICK: Back off, pretty boy!  
  
JOE BYRNE: Oh, and that's meant to be an insult, is it?  
  
POLICEMAN FITZPATRICK: Well...yes. (Pushes Joe)  
  
JOE BYRNE: Hey, careful now. (Pushes him back.)  
  
POLICEMAN FITZPATRICK: Don't push me! (Smacks Joe round the face)  
  
JOE BYRNE: Look, mate, you never, EVER endanger my pretty face. Got it? (Shoves him out the door and begins firing rounds at his feet)  
  
DAN KELLY: Get out of here!  
  
POLICEMAN FITZPATRICK: Fine! But I'll be back! It's not the end of this! What's your names, you thugs, so that I may set the police on you?  
  
DAN KELLY: Dan Kelly.  
  
JOE BYRNE: Err...Ned Kelly.  
  
POLICEMAN FITZPATRICK: Right. (Rides off)  
  
NED KELLY: Hi everyone! You won't believe what I've been up to!  
  
LATER: Once again, Ned Kelly has chosen to spend the night outdoors with one of his brothers and two of their guy mates. Joe Byrne is almost apoplectic with frustration due to the lack of women around.  
  
JOE BYRNE: Ned, I'm almost going insane! Where are all the girls?  
  
NED KELLY: Dunno, but I'm sure one'll turn up in a minute.  
  
As he speaks Kate Kelly struggles over the nearest hill.  
  
JOE BYRNE: Oh, what a relief! (To Kate) How you doin'?  
  
NED KELLY: Joe!  
  
JOE BYRNE: All right, all right! I'm sorry.  
  
KATE KELLY: Ned, they arrested Mum!  
  
NED KELLY: What?  
  
KATE KELLY: And there's a warrant out for you four's arrests!  
  
JOE BYRNE: Hey, that's not good. What are we going to do?  
  
NED KELLY: Ride heroically into the bush...and hide.  
  
KATE KELLY: Great. Real gallant.  
  
The four men ride off  
  
JOE BYRNE: (Singing) We're men, men! We're men in tights, men in tights! We walk around the forest looking for fights! Looking for fights! We're men in tights! We're-  
  
NED KELLY: Joe! Please! I don't think that song projects the right image, somehow.  
  
JOE BYRNE: Why?  
  
NED KELLY: Well, for one thing we're not wearing tights.  
  
JOE BYRNE: Speak for yourself.  
  
NED KELLY: Just don't sing that song, OK?  
  
JOE BYRNE: Fine. (Singing) Robin Hood, Robin Hood, riding through the glen! Robin Hood, Robin Hood, and his merry men! Feared by the good and loved by the bad-  
  
NED KELLY: JOE!  
  
JOE BYRNE: What?  
  
NED KELLY: It's meant to be 'feared by the bad and loved by the good.'  
  
JOE BYRNE: So?  
  
NED KELLY: So if you're going to torture us with your singing, you might as well bother to get the words right!  
  
JOE BYRNE: But I don't know all the words.  
  
NED KELLY: Then sing a song that you do know the words to!  
  
JOE BYRNE: Fine. (Singing) It's the song that never ends! It just goes round and round again! Because it's the song that never ends! It just goes round and round again! Because it's the song that never ends! It just goes round and round again! Because it's the song that never ends! It just goes round and round again! Because it's the song that never ends! It just goes round and round again!  
  
Ten minutes later  
  
JOE BYRNE: Because it's the song that never ends! It just goes round and round again! Because it's the song that never ends! It just-  
  
NED KELLY: Joe, if you don't stop that right now, I may have to kill you.  
  
DAN KELLY: Oh, no, it's stuck in my head now!  
  
JOE BYRNE: You told me to sing a song I knew the words to!  
  
DAN KELLY: Oh, God, make it stop!  
  
NED KELLY: Oh, now it's stuck in my head! Oh, it'll be following me everywhere for days!  
  
JOE BYRNE: Well, if it's already stuck in your head, can I keep singing it?  
  
NED KELLY: DAN KELLY: NO! STEVE HART:  
  
JOE BYRNE: Fine. (Humming) Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na- na-BATMAN! Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-BATMAN!  
  
NED KELLY: How about we just stop here? Then we can send Joe away to find food...or anything to get him away from us for a while!  
  
DAN KELLY: STEVE HART: Seconded. HORSES:  
  
Later that evening  
  
DAN KELLY: (Muttering/singing) Because it's the song that never ends, it just goes round and round again...Shut up, brain, shut up!  
  
NED KELLY: Joe, I am so going to kill you for this.  
  
The next morning  
  
NED KELLY: So, who's for more of this rabbit Joe brought back?  
  
JOE BYRNE: That's not rabbit.  
  
NED KELLY: (Nervously) Then what is it?  
  
JOE BYRNE: Snake.  
  
Ned gags, covers his mouth and runs off into the trees. The sound of retching can be heard  
  
DAN KELLY: Wow, I'm really glad I only ate the duck!  
  
JOE BYRNE: That wasn't duck.  
  
DAN KELLY: It wasn't?  
  
JOE BYRNE: No. It was platypus.  
  
There is a silence before Dan runs off after his brother  
  
NED KELLY: Hey, the police are here!  
  
JOE BYRNE: Run!  
  
NED KELLY: They've brought toast and marmalade!  
  
JOE BYRNE: Confront them!  
  
POLICEMAN FITZPATRICK: Hello Ned.  
  
NED KELLY: Oh no, not you again.  
  
JOE BYRNE: (Humming) Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da! Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da- da!  
  
POLICEMAN FITZPATRICK: Hey, I know that song! Because it's the song that never ends! It just goes round and round again!  
  
DAN KELLY: For God's sake, Ned, shoot him!  
  
NED KELLY: (Fires gun) That's for reminding me of Hell's national anthem!  
  
JOE BYRNE: Oooh, right in the eye!  
  
NED KELLY: Ooops. Don't think I should have done that.  
  
DAN KELLY: Really? You think?  
  
NED KELLY: Drop the sarcasm or you're next. (Spots watch) Oooh, pretty! (Picks it up and puts it in his pocket)  
  
OTHER POLICEMEN: Oh my! Shriek! Run!  
  
JOE BYRNE: Oh, come on, wussies, you've got guns.  
  
OTHER POLICEMAN 1#: Oh yeah.  
  
OTHER POLICEMAN 2#: Forgotten that.  
  
They both draw their guns.  
  
NED KELLY: Oh, way to remind them, Joe. (Shoots them both)  
  
DAN KELLY: That wasn't very nice.  
  
OTHER POLICEMAN#2: I'll say.  
  
JOE BYRNE: Cool! Now we're proper fugitives on the run! (Singing) Robin Hood, Robin Hood, riding through the glen! Robin Hood, Robin Hood, and his merry men! Feared by the good-  
  
NED KELLY: Joe! Please!  
  
JOE BYRNE: Oh, you get to shoot people, but me, I'm not even allowed to sing...  
  
DAN KELLY: Stop arguing! Let's just steal the toast and run!  
  
TO BE CONTINUED...................  
  
If someone could please tell me the order of the rest of the scenes from 'Ned Kelly' I would be very very very grateful, as I have completely forgotten! (Or alternatively, if you could tell me where I could download a script of Ned Kelly from, that'd be great too.)  
  
Thanks to all those who r&r'd this story, I am most grateful! 


End file.
